a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.