Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
You Might Also Like
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.