My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore