Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.