20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
You can’t rush stupid.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Good morning!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Writing, She Murdered.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.