Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My dad is at it again
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?