“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.