girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
omg leave her alone
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off