Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Every haunted house movie:
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My background check bounced.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes