When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
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OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.