[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
😜
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!