If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
You Might Also Like
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.