i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
In case you needed to hear it:
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat