Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess