“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.