Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”