cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
the three genders
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.