People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
What if the weather talks about us?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog