This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward