Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
the red hot silly peppers
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now