“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
oh my god
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?