Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Hero horse inspires millions
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!