If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes