No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
You Might Also Like
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.