Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
We’ve come full circle
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”