All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Support your local cemetery
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago