Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus