ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Hey I worked for it too!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Awesome parenting 😂
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear