[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.