Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.