I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
You Might Also Like
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
OKAY DAD
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.