I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?