No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Netflix and you sit over there.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m good, thanks.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Eat…
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag