My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
The Assassin.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
this isn’t threatening at all
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.