Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
moms in horror movies
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
i can’t wait that long
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*jingles half the way*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.