me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Twitter remains undefeated
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex