*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY