If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
i baked you a cake
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
What is going on? 😅
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead