Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.