Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
i can’t wait that long
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Mornin
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.