If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows