They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*