Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.