“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER