My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.