the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november