I know this now 馃槀
You Might Also Like
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you haven鈥檛 touched your shrekfast yet
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I鈥檝e been berry naughty!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i鈥檒l never be going back to sleep again
Don鈥檛 make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I鈥檓 making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool