This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
How wrong was this guy?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”