I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
White Castle for the Win
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?