At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Not today.. 😂
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”